The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did)

"For babies and children, being responded to is a need, not a want. If we don’t respond to a child’s cries, glances or turn-taking games, if we don’t play our part in the give and take they offer us, there’s a danger of fostering in them insecure or avoidant attachment styles and personality traits. This will make it much harder for them to have functional relationships.”

"We know that alcoholics and drug addicts do not make the best parents because their priority is always the substance they’re addicted to, so their children are denied a lot of the attention they need. I’d say phone addicts are not so far behind. I do not recommend playing or checking emails on your phone in front of a young child for long periods of time. Not only will you be depriving them of contact, you will be creating an empty space inside them. And not to be dramatic, but this is the sort of empty space that may make addicts of people later in life, when they try to fill it with addictive substances or compulsive activities to stop a feeling of being disconnected – feeling empty – haunting them.”

"Involve them in as many of your activities as you can, but especially those that are to do with them.”

"So what can get in the way of your listening and observing? Often, it’s prematurely preparing your response in your head, or your mind otherwise wandering off. Of course, these things will always happen to some extent, but what you can do is notice when you’ve stopped focusing on the speaker or the child or baby – and return your attention to them. With practice, you’ll get better at being a good listener and being an equal partner in this dialogue.”

"Many of the things we expect our children to achieve, they will, with the minimum guidance or from following our example. Nudging them to the edge of their comfort zone but not beyond it is often a way forward if they do need some help. Remember that, if we do something that they can do for themselves, we may be disempowering them.”

"Being defensive about our mistakes will make them worse, not make them disappear.”

"Don’t interrupt a concentrating child. When a younger child wants to play with you, start them off on the activity they choose. Then, when they get so absorbed they don’t need you, back off. With older children, don’t feel you must be the entertainments officer every time your child doesn’t know what to do. When a child is bored, have faith and tell them you have confidence in them that they will find something fun to do. Boredom may be a necessary component of creativity. Do, however, put some time aside for enjoying yourself with your children by sharing activities you enjoy – board games, card games, sports, singing or whatever you like. Children thrive with playmates of all ages.”

"So, if it’s not about winning and losing, what is the best way to think about helping a child behave appropriately and conveniently at any one time? Generally, going with what works in the present, which is grounded in reality rather than what you fear may happen in the future, based on fantasy, is a useful maxim to live by with children.”

"If being authoritarian is your go-to way of being with your children, you are also risking their future relationship with authority. It may block them from being able to cooperate with authority or being able to be a leader themselves or you may breed a dictator. To sum up: consistently imposing your will on your child is neither the best way to nurture morality or cooperation, nor is it a good way to have a good relationship with them.”

"No one was ever healed by being made to feel ashamed or silly. You can contain your child when they are having a meltdown by holding them, and sometimes by staying close, getting down to their level and showing your concern for how they feel without becoming overwhelmed yourself. You can use words to help to validate how they are feeling, or maybe just loving gestures or looks. Sometimes it may be necessary to remove the child from a situation, for example if they are a danger to themselves or others, or if they are disturbing other people. Then you say, ‘I’m going to have to pick you up and take you out because I can’t let you hurt the dog/disturb other people.’ And then follow through.”

"You want your boundaries to be effective, so don’t dish out empty threats. Before a child realizes that the threat is empty, it is too scary and therefore liable to shatter a child’s thought processes rather than help them learn consideration. And, once they learn that your threats can be empty, they will not be able to take you seriously. So, mean what you say, do not relent and give them the keys back (or whatever it is). It may mean a tantrum, but you can be sympathetic about their frustration about not having the keys and still hold on to your keys – and your boundary.”

"1. Define the problem. In this instance: ‘I don’t find shoplifting acceptable. We are going to have to understand why this happened and work out how it can never happen again. I felt mortified when I had to pick you up from the police station.’

2. Find the feelings behind the problem. The conversation may go a bit like this: ‘What happens when you five boys get together because, individually, you do not appear to be natural criminals?’ ‘I don’t know.’ ‘Okay, take your time. How did you feel before you did it?’ ‘We were joking and laughing.’ ‘Then what happened?’ ‘We started to dare each other.’ ‘Then what happened?’ ‘We just did it.’ ‘I’m wondering whether the problem seems to be that when you five boys get together you egg each other on, get carried away and develop a peer pressure between you that is hard to resist. Is that it?’ ‘Yeah.’

3. Brainstorming solutions. ‘So, next time this happens – when you’re about to do something you know isn’t a good idea – how are you going to put the brakes on so the situation doesn’t get out of hand?’ ‘I suppose we could just imagine it, rather than actually do it. Say how funny it’d be if we did it.’ ‘That might still be a laugh, and without the terrible consequences.’ ‘Yeah.’

Steps 2 and 3 may have to be repeated because there might be something else going on for the teen which they need to talk about, such as feeling they can’t cope with what is expected of them at school, or any other problem. Perhaps you might say something like ‘I’m wondering if you were already feeling angry and rebellious because you got a detention at school?’ But remember: let them take the lead in the brainstorming.

You’ll probably want to set a boundary for future behaviour. Set the boundary by defining yourself and not them. So, rather than ‘You cannot be trusted, you are grounded,’ it’s ‘I am keeping you at home for a couple of weeks because, after picking you up from the police station, I am giving myself a break from worry. I want you close for a while.’ Keep naming and sharing your own feelings.

Don’t judge your child. Labelling them as incapable, impulsive, untrustworthy or immature will not help them improve. Boundaries are good, such as ‘I’m not letting you out until I feel more confident to do so,’ but a punitive stance increases stubbornness and goes no further in enhancing a deeper understanding between you. And keep the dialogue going. Follow through and check in to see how the solutions are working out.”